Practical Steps to Overcoming Selfishness

How can you love another person as much as you love yourself? It seems impossible, contrary to human nature.

In this article we will offer some ideas for putting the commandment "Love your fellow as yourself" into practice.

Baal HaSulam does not merely theorize about the commandment to love one's fellow; he offers a concrete path to fulfilling it.

In his treatise "Talmud Eser Sefirot" he writes: "The correction of egoism comes not through suppressing it, but through gradually widening the circle of what a person considers 'his own.'"

Here are the practical steps that Baal HaSulam and other sages propose for setting out on the path to fulfilling this commandment:

• Recognizing the problem. In "Shamati," Baal HaSulam writes: "The first step is to admit that our egoism is an obstacle, not a helper. Most people consider their egoism natural and even useful, but in fact it is precisely what separates us from true happiness."
• Small steps. The Rambam, in "Shemonah Perakim," teaches that a person cannot go straight from extreme egoism to complete love of one's fellow. He advises starting small: "First do good to those who are pleasant to you, then widen the circle to strangers, and gradually you will be able to do good even to those who are unpleasant to you."
• The practice of "arvut" (mutual responsibility). In "Maamar HaArvut," Baal HaSulam writes: "Begin by taking on specific commitments to care for others. For example, commit to doing someone a good deed every day without expecting anything in return."
• Changing your perception. In "Shlavei HaSulam," Baal HaSulam advises: "When you meet another person, consciously remind yourself that there is a divine spark in him, exactly the same as in you. Look not at the outer shell but at the inner essence."
• Praying for the strength to love. Rabbi Nachman of Breslov taught: "Ask the Almighty to give you a heart capable of loving others. Acknowledge your weakness in this, and ask for help from above."

But Baal HaSulam goes further than practical advice. In "Igrot" (Letters) he writes: "True overcoming of egoism is possible only through the revelation of the upper Light. When a person begins to sense spiritual reality, he naturally feels the unity of all souls."

To reach this deeper level, Baal HaSulam proposes several methods:

• Studying Kabbalah with the right intention. "When a person studies the inner part of the Torah not to expand his knowledge but to transform his heart, this draws the light that corrects egoism," he writes in the introduction to "Talmud Eser Sefirot."
• A group of like-minded people. In "Maamar HaArvut" he explains: "It is impossible for a person to overcome egoism alone. What is needed is a group of people united by a common goal — to attain love of one's fellow. In such a group, people help one another, serve as mirrors for one another, and create an environment in which spiritual development is possible."
• The method of "ascents and descents." Baal HaSulam teaches that the path to loving one's fellow is not linear: "Do not despair when, after a period of inspiration and love for people, you feel egoism again. This is a necessary part of the process, in which a person feels the difference between the states more sharply and begins to sincerely desire change."

"Pesikta de-Rav Kahana" tells a parable: a man swimming in a river saw someone drowning and saved him. The rescued man asked: "What can I do for you in gratitude?" The rescuer replied: "The only thanks I ask is this — when you see someone else drowning, save him." This parable shows that love of one's fellow spreads like ripples on the water — from one good deed to the next.

Rabbi Dessler, in "Michtav me-Eliyahu," stresses another important point: "Do not think that you must first love and then do good deeds. On the contrary: when you do good to another, you begin to see value in him and gradually come to love him."

Thus the "impossible commandment" turns out to be not only possible, but a practical path to the deepest happiness and to the realization of our spiritual potential. As Baal HaSulam wrote: "When a person begins to sense the unity of all souls, he experiences such happiness and fullness that all worldly pleasures pale beside them."